Car Crash and Fight

I'm normally the most non-confrontational person in the world, but sometimes I don't know when to shut my mouth.

I was driving to work this morning and a squirrel ran out in front of me and I slammed on my brakes. It was instinct. Unfortunately, the guy behind me didn't have the same reflexes that I have and he crashed into my rear bumper.

I got out of the Jeep as this guy was getting out of his car and it turns out that he's a dwarf. Before I could say anything, he had stormed up to me and shouted, "I'm not happy!"

And before I could stop myself, I asked, "Then which one are you?"

And that's when the fight started.

Black testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and
says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......


' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

My mums fault for re-marrying

Three stories for you now, one from my mum's previous marriage and two from her current one.

I'll put them in seperate posts though to make them a bit shorter

First one: She was married to a guy from Bradford who was thick, stubborn but a very proud Yorkshire lad. We were driving back from Spain one summer all up through France to Calais. The day before we left he had eaten something which gave him the shits, not long after we entered France he decided to pull in to the first available services. As soon as we parked he left the car and ran faster than anyone his size should be able to towards the toilets only to stop in the middle of the car park, turn around and waddle his way back to the car. He opened the boot (trunk if you're American) and started rumaging around at which point my brother asks.

"What's the matter, you shit yourself?" which was met with.

"No! I bloody 'aven't!" As he squelched off towards the toilets with clean underwear in his hands.